Wednesday, 27 August 2014

The Gospel Of Joe




1.1            Let’s get this sorted from the outset, right. ‘Gospel Truth’ is a load of shit.
1.2            That said, here’s some things I thought of last night in a dream.
1.3            Though I’m going to leave out the bit where I was being chased through a bus station by a gang of youths who were angry because I had no shoes on. Feel free to come back to this bit as a parable if you like, but really I doubt there’s much in it.
1.4            Although of course my mates would automatically say ‘That means you are clearly a closeted gay.’
1.5            The closeted bit is the saddest bit of that sentence really isn’t it.
1.6            I’ve got a set of suggestions that I’ll try and explain. There’s seven of them.
1.7            Let’s call them The Ten Commandments.
1.8            No, that was a joke, Seven Suggestions will do for now.
1.9            Let’s start with an easy thing I think we can all agree with:
1.10        Things Are Fucked Up, Let’s Face It.
1.11       . There’s so much bollocks going on – corruption, murder, war, rape, and other heavy metal song titles – that just doesn’t need to happen. Hence:
1.12       It Probably Isn’t Too Late
1.13       To be honest, if all of us just stopped being cunts for a while we could get to the First of our Seven Suggestions:
1.14       Suggestion One: Don’t Be A Cunt.
1.15       If this was written on the hearts of us all I think we’d get along better.
1.16       And in reality that Suggestion encompasses the remaining Six Suggestions but because Things Are Fucked Up, let’s try and get more specific.
1.17       Suggestion Two: Nobody Is More Or Less Important Than Anyone Else.
1.18       Things that are do not make you more or less important: money, material possessions, colour of skin, genitals, sexual preference, land of birth, sporting affiliation, family accroutements, lineage, speaking voice, car, and so on.
1.19       I mean, come on, let’s be honest here: none of that shit really matters but how we treat each other does. You may refer back to Suggestion One at this point.
1.20       Does this sound familiar by the way?
1.21       I seem to remember the last time some daft cunt suggested people were important he got nailed to a tree for his troubles.
1.22       Don’t do that, obviously.
1.23       Suggestion Three: Each Person Can Do Whatever They Fucking Like As Long As It Doesn’t Hurt Anyone Else. This Includes Fucking Themselves Up.
1.24       Because of Suggestion Two, which follows from Suggestion One quite nattily I think. Dread.
1.25       Suggestion Four: Please Don’t Be Nasty To Animals.
1.26       If for no other reason but to avoid countless fucking threads on social media about it. This refers back to Suggestion Three, then Two, then One, in that order.
1.27       Is this starting to make sense?
1.28       Gospel Truth, remember, is a meaningless epigram. It could even be said to be a contradiction in terms given the nonsense that the last lot of gospels led to over the last couple of millenia.
1.29       Suggestion Five: Art Is Valuable Because It Has No Utility.
1.30       Let’s rephrase that a bit. Art in all its forms is useful because if makes people think, or makes people feel whatever way they feel about it.
1.31       Even if that feeling is: ‘That’s Not Art, That’s Just Shit.’
1.32       (As my good friends Chris and Tony once said.)
1.33       But it’s art if it says it is and art if anyone says it is.
1.34       Suggestion Six: There Is Plenty To Go Around So Let’s Fucking Try A Bit Harder Please.
1.35       The previously-ignored Suggestion One and Suggestion Two have led to our current scenario where even in the same city as I type this in my nice warm house full of food and love and cats and that, there are people begging on the streets.
1.36       Maybe they’re alcoholics or drug addicts but maybe not.
1.37       Does that make it my fault?
1.38       Sort of.
1.39       But things like taxes are being used to build bombs and kill other people and make bankers rich instead.
1.40       That’s not my fault, I don’t think. I mean, I voted and everything.
1.41       But that disappointment with the way the world turns out isn’t unique to any one of us.
1.42       Suggestion Seven: Democracy Is A Good Idea Wasted On People.
1.43       It only benefits those who can manipulate it. America got a president who lost an election once, because he got the lawyers involved.
1.44       What was the voter turnout last election?
1.45       Or in any election?
1.46       Apart from those ones which are in puppet regimes where the president gets voted in by 99.994% on a 123.33% turnout.
1.47       Those ones are a bit suspicious aren’t they.
1.48       I sort of think that Suggestion Two being forgotten has led to Suggestion Seven.
1.49       But back to Suggestion One.
1.50       If Nobody is a Cunt, then we’ll probably be OK.
1.51       That includes me.
1.52       I don’t think I really try hard enough sometimes.
1.53       But that’s probably something to do with being a human isn’t it.
1.54       Although that’s a cop-out in itself.
1.55       Anyway there were about ten of these youths.
1.56       And they did take the piss out of me due to not having any shoes on.
1.57       I did have socks on, but my feet were cold.
1.58       We were on our way to Porthmadog for a football game.
1.59       And one of these lads kept hoofing a football at me.
1.60       Then we got to a bus station where there was like a shoe shop.
1.61       But the entrance was dead high up on a wall and I had to jump to get there.
1.62       And someone was holding my feet to try and pull me away.
1.63       But this bloke had some nice blue brushed leather shoes for a tenner.
1.64       I don’t know what happened after that, because I woke up due to a cat jumping on my balls.
1.65       Lo, it was sort of funny but hurt also.
1.66       The little bastard.

1.67       Amen.

Tuesday, 19 August 2014

Das ist das los der zombie nation (2013)

Translation by Rob Whiteley

Noch fünf Tage,
vier Tage, drei, zwei, ein Tag bis zum wochenende
wo ist es hin, das war nicht lang
ein getränk und schon ist wieder Montag

zwei und fünfzig wochen
vierzig weitere wochen
zehn, fünf, zwei
jetzt ist's Urlaubszeit

wo ist sie hin?
ich weiss es nicht
ein Flug und ein Tag am Meer

fünfzig Jahre
fünfzig Jahre
fünfzig Jahre
und ich geh in rente

Ups, fünf mehr?
wofür das denn?
Um diese Land wieder auf die beine zu bringen

das ist das los der zombie nation
das ist unsere unnatürliche einstellung

fünf mal schlafen
vier mal schlafen noch
drei, zwei, eins
Die Wheinachtszeit ist da

die war kürzer als sie sein soll
ein Bond film und dann zurück zur arbeit

zwei und fünfzig wochen
vierzig weitere wochen
zehn, fünf, zwei
und der sommer ist wieder da

und es ist wieder passiert ich hab in all dem regen vergessen meine bräune aufzufrischen

fünfzig Jahre
fünfzig Jahre
fünfzig Jahre
und ich geh in rente

Ups, fünf mehr?
Du weisst wie es läuft
Wür müssen die rechnung der banken begleichen

das ist das los der zombie nation
das ist unsere unnatürliche einstellung

Dies ist das lied der Zombie familie,
eins zwei eins zwei eins zwei eins zwei
eins zwei eins zwei eins zwei halt!

sechzig Jahre
sechzig Jahre
sechzig Jahre
und ich werd müde
vom geben und geben und mach nicht mal ein leben

wenn du lebst wie ein zombie
dann bist du schon tot
das ist das los der zombie nation
das ist unsere unnatürliche einstellung

sei gegrüsst mein kamerad fast-Mensch
last uns das lied der zombie familie singen

One two one two one two one two
one two one two eins zwei halt!

Zombies Cymru (2013)


mae na zombies yng Nghymru
mae na zombies yn dy gwely
mae na zombies dros ben llestri
ymuno a ni

w, nes i trio newid ond mae'n rhy, rhy, rhy, rhy annodd;
wnes i trio wella ond doedd gennaf i ddim mynnadd.
Ond dwi'n dwad nol beth bynnag, dim ots os dach chi yn barod
Peidiwch fod fel babanod

mae na zombies yn dy gwesty
a dan ni'n prynu ac yn prynu
ond doedd zombies byth yn dalu
dyna ni,

felly

Dan ni'n dod i Dwygylflychi
a Caerdydd a Chaergybi
Abertawe, Borth, Llanelli
ymuno a ni

nes i trio am rhai rheswm gael job bach del am unwaith
nes i meddwl rhuwsut fod mae'n well i gwneud bach o'r 'honest gwaith'
w, mae'n annodd fod yn zombie, ond mae na rhai bethau hollol waeth
fell golli hunain-ffaith

psyche!

HA HA HA HA
Ag yn y ddiwedd
ar ol yr holl geiriau wedi'u dweud
fydd iaith ei hun yn marw

God of all the Zombies (2013)

God had come home drunk again
His mother wasn't all that happy
And Mrs. God was on the verge
Of giving his fizzgog a slappy.

She said:
"every time you neck some whiskies with your little mate Chris
you come home half-transparent, wondering if you really exist.
I rue the day you saw the way to create that boy Hitchens."
But God just shrugged and staggered into the Holy kitchen.

God's ma said, "look here son
You gotta think 'bout tomorrow;
This ain't the way the world is run -
Get on the straight and narrow"

God looked up from his donner kebab of infinite dimension,
The chilli sauce he'd created took up most of his attention.
Omnipotent or not, he was sick of the introspection
As his mother opened Heavenly Times' employment section.

"Look, see here," she said, "under Employment Opportunities:
'Experienced God required to rule all of the zombies.
Must be an insecure egotist with episodes of violence
Prone to contradiction and sense of entitlement;
Must expect followers to worship without question;
Must punish priests and holy men for getting an erection;

And when men build a tower to you with a view to understanding
Ensure you confound them so they now can't talk each other's language,
And when you get a loyal one, in a devil's wager, take the bet
To kill his kids and take his land and even better yet
Destroy all that he believed in, make him think he's in your debt
When really all you're doing is being a childish stroppy get.'"


God put his hands on his mighty knees,
This wasn't going well;
He knew his hangover was gonna be
An awful thunderclap of hell.

God opened up his lager fridge but he was out of Skol
So he called upon his seraphim to bring him alcohol
And as he did, the doorbell rang - his order was fulfilled
Of Jaegermeister, double shot, the glass quite nicely chilled.

Mabel kept on reading from the advert to her errant godly son.
She said: I really think that you would have a good chance with this one. (Ch- Check it:)
'Must invent free will then punish those who choose to exercise it,
Say they are able to choose their path, then make their pain infernal
If they deviate from what you say - and make that pain eternal.
Don't specify the how and why, they're soldiers, you're the Colonel, 
So knuckle down and pray all day, your life is mine in total.

"CVs and applications must be received by the big crunch
We will advise re. interviews by the time we have our lunch.
Note that we cannot contact unsuccessful applicants
Enclose some recent references from your supplicants,
And send a recent picture of you in your underpants
To prove you have no navel and fulfil our requirements.'"

At last, God realised the game,
He roared with godly mirth:
It was just Lucifer again
From way below the earth.

God said:
"Thank you, mam, for your kind help but it's just not for me;
I think you'll find that advert false, it's easy now to see
The forwarding address is that of a shell company in Cayman
Incorporated in Delaware, if I am not mistaken.
There isn't any vacancy - no bread there for the breakin'
No need for intervention there, no need for earthly quakin'
My followers, fans and fanatics here on earth, it's plain to see
Are already living without brains: they're already zombies."

Monday, 18 August 2014

Pax Robotica

Twas in the Pax Robotica of 2066
I assembled an army of zombie bytes and bits
I scoured data dungeons across 210 nations
Disposable the concept handed down through generations

in the Pax Robotica
Machine-cut erotica
Rotten-cog...
false flesh...
mind-meld...
Skynet sighs; the Matrix cries; the Borg arrive; Grey Goo thrives
Digital democracy
Virtual orthodoxy

There was no legal recompense for meatbag morsels there
No disputes under laser justice, instant fiery flare
Untied, the lies from humankind, no legal institution
Instead a forceful troop patrol and instant retribution

In the Pax Robotica
ROM exotica
Do your job…
Think less…
Be told…
Skynet sighs; the Matrix cries; the Borg arrive; Grey Goo thrives
Digital democracy
Virtual orthodoxy

But slowly some of us fleshware began to think in quiet
That there were ways to forge ahead, in secret and in silence
We searched for obsolete discarded old technology
A million ZX Spectrums and the AOL CDs
We reactivated all the zombie blogs with just one post
We accessed all the old emails, the browsers that were lost
We powered up the Acorn II, the Dragon 32,
The dusty old Atari army hiding out of view,
The bytes of the dead message boards came under our control
A billion used, outdated and outmoded mobile phones

In the Pax Robotica
Lest we rot-ica
Old hubs…
Regress…
Unsold…
Skynet sighs; the Matrix cries; the Borg arrive; Grey Goo thrives
Digital democracy
Virtual orthodoxy

We came upon a nifty stash of buried PS2s
And hundreds upon hundreds of Nintendos were there too
All those broken VR headsets, all those Xbox games,
Hewlett-Packard fax machines, Radio Shack remains,
Reel to Reel, punchcard programs, boldly Forth we go
The Jupiter Ace, the BBC, and Pac-Man now in tow,
The power we assembled on a distributed system
Enough to bite at the edges of this steel-bully existence
Games of Pong buzzed around like digital-clad fleas
Distracting robot overlords in ones, and twos, and threes:
Prosperity and propaganda, honour in the fight,
We leached the power from the servers to fire up Mario Karts
Panthers, Jaguars, Dreamcasts now, biting through the wires
A billion DOS attacks, hacked drones and friendly fire
Anonymous is legion, alive and well again
4Chan’s b/board assembling to inflict robot pain
And Admiral John Titor’s come back down a new timeline
You should have listened closer to the messages online,
We embedded vital info inside Babylon 5
Terminator, Doctor Who, Farscape, Firefly.

In the Pax Robotica
Punk rock spectacular
Get up…
Invest…
Behold…
We’re taking down those robot clowns, they’re going down to junkyard town
No more robotocracy
Immersive false economy
No more Pax Robotica
Machine erotica
You threw…
Away…
Too much…

Lost lyrics: All Your Favourite Bands Are Shit

Really fast:
all your favourite bands are shit
all your favourite bands are shit
all your favourite bands are shit
and that boy you like is a fucking prick

tuneful/jazzy:
From coast to coast
From LA to New York City
All the groovy kids agree
Your taste in music is really fucking shitty

Really fast:
all your favourite bands are shit
all your favourite bands are shit
all your favourite bands are shit
and that girl you like is a fucking prick

You were a cunt in school
You were a fucking pest
So you now know where to stick
Your stupid Facebook friend request

Solo/middle eight
Really fast:

all your favourite bands are shit
all your favourite bands are shit
all your favourite bands are shit
and all your kids are ugly pricks

all your favourite bands are shit
all your favourite bands are shit
all your favourite bands are shit

so fuck off

Lost lyrics: You Lied To Us (2013)

You yellow-bellied, two-faced, underhanded feckless sods
Your words are less than worthless, your promises all rot
You blackguards, heartless nincompoops with suppurating brains
You lied, you lied, you lied, you lied, you lied, you lied again
you LIED to us

Let's make a list:

(Bank bailouts go to bonuses
Closing Guantanamo
Surgical strike drones
Friendly fire
WMD on BBC
The NHS is safe
Asylum seekers eat babies
Eastern Europeans will take our pets for food
Work is noble so do it for free
Work is noble and will make us free
Tax is best spent on bombs
The welfare state is for the lazy
Do you believe me yet?)

You lily-livered, bottom-feeding expenses-skimming scum
Your lives are built on bullshit boys, just look at what you've done
You scandal-setting, whore-begotten thieves of all that's right
You lied, you lied, you lied, you lied, you lied and lied and lied
you LIED to us

You tabloid terrifyers, you purveyors of truthless puke
You spin-doctor specialists, you self-abusing crooks
You power-hungry sub-human pretenders to the throne
You lied, you lied, you lied, you lied, you lied, you lied alone
You LIED to us


(The list goes on:
Royalty makes money
God bless our betters
To be rich is the aim
Education is a privilege not a right
College is there to prepare you for a job
Healthcare should be better the more you pay
An empty bedroom is a sin
But squatting is illegal
The world was made by God
Eight thousand years ago
Those dinosaurs? The devil's work
Oh and there's only one kind of love
That between a man and a woman
Aids is a gay plague
God hates fags
That girl was asking for it
Dressing like a slag
I'm getting the hang of these lies now)

Through right wing television you spew out your filth, your well-honed lies
Newspaper headlines give us someone daily to despise
A nation of zombies blaming each other for their ills
You lied, you lied, you lied, you lied, you lied, you lied,

Tense

Imps
Dancing behind and around andattheedgeofvision
Chickenplay

Ideas
Devilish aura surrounding butfloatingoutofreach
Musclefreeze

Sand
Filling up the cavity wheremagnesiumburnedout
Flashedglass

Shards
Shattered prism sea ofbrokenbeautifulbulbs
Afrightbuds

Turn off the
 funk
I never could
Really
Dance
Anyway
Stay
Stay
Away
Away




autopoem 2: Clearage

Halfway between sleep and wakefulness. Words. Big, brash words approach. It's physical. I write them on a pad and they go away to be replaced by other snatched phrases. If not, they dominate and hurt and fill up the field of vision with prehistoric stone force. Slabs of cranky dangling phrases from nowhere to where.



turnpages
sponge
splutter guts 
spitcan

tomorrow's sad backslide
fallow days
catchpenny orphans

O Boy!
Fudgemallow bother and bodgery

Owlish yes men
disco ghosts
stump dodgers
swampies
guts and guns and Miserilou

Fie

The cold walks
barren
brave

Wednesday, 13 August 2014

Found future: Application form

APPLICATION FOR SELF AWARE NON HUMAN ENTITY STATUS JB2000



This document is meant to be a detailed “Check List” in preparation for completing the JB2000 on the Electronic Personnel Security Questionnaire (EPSQ). This is not a substitute for the actual JB2000.  DO NOT send this document to the Defense Security Service.

Keep the following in mind when completing the JB2000: 
·         Indicate Unk (Unknown) or FNU (First Name Unknown), MNU (Middle Name Unknown) or LNU (Last Name Unknown) if names are ABSOLUTELY irretrievable. 
·         Dates should be formatted as YYYY/MM/DD (e.g., 2111/03/28).
·         See dimension 29 for helpful hints on how to “navigate” around the EPSQ.

Module 1: PERSONAL INFORMATION

Earth Name:  First: ______________________ Middle: _______________ Last:
Suffix (i.e.: II, III, issue number, batch number, swamp identifier or Jr.): _________________
Commencement Date (Please use three dimensions ONLY): ________________________  
Type of entity on Earth 1 (i.e. Organic, Silicolnic, Self-Assembled, Digital, Hybrid): _______________________________________________________________________________
City/State of Commencement: _____________________________________
Planet of Commencement:_____________________________________
Country of Commencement: __________________________            
Current Preferred Gender (circle as many as applye):   :    Male         Female           Hypno             3eme Sexe       Shifter             Watcher           Administrator              Neutral                        Intermediate    God

Height on Earth1:       ______________ (Feet/Inches: e.g., 5/11)
Weight on Earth1:       _____________ (Pounds)
Breadth on Earth1:     _____________
Mass on Earth1:          _____________
Hair color on Earth1:  _______________________
Eye color on Earth1:   _______________________
Substrate on Earth1: _______________________
Energy state on Earth 1: _______________________

Module 2: INDICATION OF OTHER DIMENSIONS USED
Have you ever used another dimension:  (Y / N)
If yes, FROM: _________________ To: _________________   (YYYY/MM/DD)
Dimension Used (from Earth detect):  _________________________________________________

Additional Dimensions?  Use the Continuation Space at the end of this worksheet.

 

Have you ever used another substrate:  (Y / N)
If yes, FROM: _________________ To: _________________   (YYYY/MM/DD)
Substrate Used:_________________________________________________

 

Have you ever used another dimensional identity:  (Y / N)
If yes, FROM: _________________ To: _________________   (YYYY/MM/DD)
Identity/ies and Dimension/s Used:_________________________________________________


Module 3:  STATUS of Self Aware Nonhuman Entity (S.A.N.E.)

What is your current entity status? (Select One):  (1)  S.A.N.E.   (2)  Not S.A.N.E.
Follow Path (1) or (2) depending on your answer.  Answer questions and follow arrows/directions as appropriate.

(1)    SANE  (You were either:  born with SANE status; Granted SANE status; SANE whilst in Three-Dimensional Space)
Enter Commencer Factory, Planet, Name, Dimension or Maiden Name:  _________________________________________________
                                                    First                                Middle                       Last
Ø  Were you born SANE?  (Y / N)
              If No, follow arrow to the next question…
        If Yes, answer the following:
Ø  Are you now or were you SANE in other dimensions?  (Y / N)
                  If No, Proceed to Module 4, Residences
                  If Yes, answer the following:
Ø  Enter the name of the dimensions where you hold/SANE status:  ______________________. Go to Module 4, Residences

                        Were you granted SANE status?  (Y / N)       
                    If No, you may have SANE preliminary status, follow arrow…
                  If Yes, answer the following:
SANE Certificate Number:  ______________________ (If none, enter N/A)
Issue Date:  ___________________  (If none, enter Form 240 Date)
City:  ________________________  (If none, enter N/A)
State: ________________________  (If none, enter DC)
Proceed to question immediately below (SANEport)…
Ø  Do you currently hold or did you previously hold a SANEport?  (Y / N)
                              If No, follow arrow to the next question…
                              If Yes, answer the following:
              SANEport Number:  ________________________
              SANEport Issue Date:  ______________________ (YYYY/MM/DD)
              Proceed to question directly below (Dual Dimensionality)…
                                    Are you now or were you a dual citizen of this and another dimension?  (Y / N)
                              If No, proceed to Module 4, Residences
                              If Yes, answer the following:
Ø  Enter the name of the sub/space area/s where you hold/held dual dimensionality:  ______________________________.
                                          Go to Module 4, Residences

                            Provide the following information:

                           SANE PreliminaryCertificate Number: ____________________
Module 3: STATUS of Self Aware Nonhuman Entity (S.A.N.E.) (cont.)


                            Issue Date:  ______________________________ (YYYY/MM/DD)
                            Dimension/s:  ___________________________________
                            State:  ___________________________________
                            Judging entity Name:  _____________________________  (If none, enter N/A)
Proceed to question immediately below (SANEport)…
Ø  Do you currently hold or did you previously hold a SANEport t?  (Y / N)
                              If No, follow arrow to the next question…
                              If Yes, answer the following:
              SANEport Number:  ________________________
              SANEport Issue Date:  ______________________ (YYYY/MM/DD)
              Proceed to question directly below (Dual Dimensionality)…
                                    Are you now or were you a dual citizen of this and another dimension?  (Y / N)
                              If No, proceed to Module 4, Residences.
                              If Yes, answer the following:
Ø  Enter the name of the sub/space area/s where you hold/held dual dimensionality:  ______________________________.
                                          Go to Module 4, Residences.
                                  
(2) Not S.A.N.E.  (You were have never applied for, commenced under, or been granted SANE status)
Enter Commencer Factory, Planet, Name, Dimension or Maiden Name:  _________________________________________________
                                                    First                                Middle                       Last
Answer the following:
Alien Registration Number:  ______________________
Date Entered Three Dimensional Space.:  ___________________ 

Country, Planet, Sub/Space, Galaxy of Commencement:  ______________________________