We don't need any blue plaques

Sorry, folks: we don’t have any blue plaques.

Regardless, why do you want to live in the past? Are you some kind of weirdo?

The C&A was out of date. We moved it all up to Penrhosgarnedd. Isn’t that a fine, enormous, modern facility?

You can be born there and die there and have your own operation if things go wonky and you can wait long enough until the people in front of you die first to open a slot.

Anyway, Safeways was great wasn’t it? So cheap and plentiful and in such a lovely red brick building too.

Well, it’s all in the eye of the beer holder isn’t it?

A one stop shop for bread and fish and meat and hey clothes and vegetables and OK it’s Morrisons now but if you go there at 3pm on a Sunday

Everything’s so cheap. Sandwiches for 30p! 5p for a pack of liver! I mean, wow, right? You’d have to be an idiot to turn those bargains down.

See, Rita wanted to retire from baking anyway. And Albins didn’t have the range we’ve got. I mean, who needs a smelly fishmonger shop when here we’ve pre-packed it all in plastic? From sea to plastic to oven without a whiff.

And it gives people jobs.

And yes you did hallucinate those facades and street art wonders. They never were there. No Warholian beans; no dancing clowns either. Ed Povey? That even sounds made up.

Walk down the hill, the one named after the banks of a river.

The students call it Bitch Hill. That’s funny, isn’t it? Gotta laugh.

There’s a massive new structure going up. It’ll be ready in 2012 2013 2014 2015 2016 2017 2018 2019 2020.

You’ll be able to see plays there and go to the cinema and well, we’ve not really thought about a car park as such but the one down the road is free now.

The one that shuts at 6pm. That’s right.

Anyway, it’ll be great. Plenty of things to do and see and hey it’ll be culturally brilliant and OK Theatr Gwynedd has been closed a while but you know in the end

It was out of date. Looked messy. The G from Gwynedd always fell off. I mean, what a sight. You’d have to be an idiot not to notice that one.

See, we needed something there anyway. And in keeping with the look of the city, I mean, we had to make it look like it fitted in didn’t we? So we made it look just like Debenhams.

The architects did such a good job.

You should see their amazing work on those Biomes in Cornwall. Their glasswork at Empac. Such talented folks. We didn’t want anything too drastic though. Square is the new bubble.

We had to knock down that police station.

Marks wanted the space and we wanted Marks. And Spencer, obviously.

That station was out of date. Intimidating. A relic. Thick walls of stone. Who wants that?

You can visit the police round the corner anyway by the library next to the cathedral. It’s a modern, friendly place.

Come in! We won’t bite.

We’re just down the road from the ex-ramp, the ramp that ceased to be. There’s a sports shop blocking the exit, too. Anyway Sammy Londsdale wanted to retire.

And so did the people from the Welsh shop Leathercraft guitar shop cheap homewares antiques stalls and the panda painted in the middle.

See, Aldi will pick up the slack. And there’s jobs there too. I mean, they pay quite well and their own-brand alternatives are irresistible. So you’d be daft not to shop there too.

Look, they deserve a profit.

Let’s face it, they’re not there for the good of their health. Look at the range they’ve got. This week is Spanish week. Check out the price on that chorizo-rioja bundle! Si, por favour, gracias!

Course, Asda was always our friend.

We just needed to find a mutual space. Somewhere that worked for us both.

That football ground was crumbling. It was the club’s own fault: the 1970s 1980s 1990s 2000s were so expensive so the council stepped in.

And the people that bought it were going to build a bowling alley multiscreen cinema playground ice rink low cost housing and it will levitate when the tide is in.

But then the recession bit.

We had to let the planners in, I mean, it was prime city centre retail space. And Asda really is so cheap sometimes. We ought to put up a plaque to their discounts!

George Best Bobby Charlton John Charles Jimmy Conde Carl Dale Tony Broadhead Dave Elliot Neville Southall. Who are dey? Come here and drink yer milk.

See, the club’s got a fancy new ground in Nantporth. Such facilities. Obviously the rent has to reflect that. We aren’t running a charity here. Don’t be silly now.

Asda’s doing a great job.

The students living in the British Hotel are big fans. And, anyway, don’t be a hypocrite. You were in there on Saturday. Buying wine. The Chateauneuf-du-Pape was 9.99 a bottle. What a treat!

We had to knock down that hill.

It was in the way. And Lidl was so vital. It wasn’t fair otherwise.

The cinema next door? What an eyesore. All that garish shopfront and a tree growing out of it. I mean, come on.

Don’t give me that Art Deco nonsense, you could hardly see it under the pebbledash. And anyway, you’ve still got Theatr Gw... I mean, Pontio will be ready in 2021 2022 2023 2024.

We need more room for flats.

Nice, red brick, up quick as you like. Another 140 bedsits and modern, oh so modern, student flats. And Dominos too! Who doesn’t like pizza?

We had to make sure the high street was secure. Look, it’s not our fault half the shops are empty. We don’t set the rates. It’s not our remit.

Anyway there’s Red Cross Cancer Research Oxfam Age Concern Annie’s Orphans British Heart Foundation to go and browse instead. And a hundred estate agents.

See, nobody went to the record shop anymore. Why would you when we have Spotify and Amazon and iTunes? Are you determined to live in the past?

We’ve got a pound shop and a pound shop bakers and another pound shop’s coming soon and you can always buy Sky from the man in the shopping centre.

Not the one with the ramp. The other one, the one we built. The one with all the empty units. Not the one surrounded by scaffolding.

There’s a pop-up art gallery.

Anyway, nobody was going to the pubs anymore. Nobody wants to come out to eat at night. It’s pedestrianised between 10am and 4pm. We are a real city you know.

Sorry folks: we don’t have any blue plaques.

The Railway Institute? What use is that? It’s outdated. That’s a fact.

What we need is more flats. That building’s in the way. Don’t you want to be a forward-thinking city?

And the cathedral down the road: God’s planning to move out. He realised that he was holding up progress by taking up valuable supermarket space.

We’re hoping Primark will move in. Do you think there’s enough space? Maybe if we move the pews out the way and shuffle the statues to the side.

And the Altar will be a grand checkout.

Don’t you think so? Do you remember Pinnochio? He wanted to be a real boy you know. If you wish hard enough, dreams come true. Think about that.

We don’t have plaques here: we have red bricks and supermarkets and big shops. One day we hope to become a real city. Like all the others.

Anyway we’ve got a lovely business park out of town you know. There’s a roundabout there and everything. Just past the Cricket Club.

See, we had to build it or we’d lose the funding for improvements in Caernarfon. It’s a World Heritage Site. Have you been? Oh, it’s lovely there.

They’ve got a square and independent cafes and homemade ice cream and local butchers and oh you really must go, the castle is beautiful.

Who doesn’t like a castle?

That’s testament to our stewardship. You have to take care of what you’ve got. Don’t you? Well, sometimes, in some places, that’s true. Let us do the thinking. The supermarkets are marking down the mince you know. Hurry, or you’ll miss out.

Hurry, hurry, hurry.

To! The! Future!

Why do you want to live in the past?

Are you some kind of weirdo?