STAFF, AGENCY REPORTS -
RESEARCHERS have concluded that the kid
from the Yellow Pages ad where he phones up to fix his table is ‘still a twat.'
The discovery was made by boffins from
Hoegaarden University of Popular Culture in Groenigen, Netherlands after years
of painstaking study of the available material.
Professor Cornelius Funk said in a paper
published in Journal Of The Culture
that, “We first studied the phenomenon through his stupid fucking monobrow
and his dickwad hair,” which alerted
scientists to the possibility of arseholery.
He explained that the teen dingbat appeared
to have woken up in the aftermath of a party, albeit a tame-looking one given
the lack of any evidence of proper fun.
“His nobhead shirt simply added to the pile
of data but our suspicions were finally proven by the fact that this obviously
spoilt little fucker immediately knew how to search for a French Polisher when
he noticed a poxy little scrape on his wanky fucking table,” said the
Professor.
Since the ad was first aired in 1991 the
Internet has revolutionised the way people communicate but Professor Funk said
that even had the polisher been summoned virtually, the findings still would
have been the same.
“The way the French Polisher was contacted
was studied but proven to be irrelevant to the context,” he continued. “We had no
other conclusion than this kid was, indeed, still a twat in 2015.”
"He is no doubt still a virgin," added the boffin.
He revealed that his team Hoegaarden
University was now poring over initial data which seemed to indicate that, ‘The
bird coming out the shower,’ was ‘Still fit.’
Full findings are yet to be
announced.
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